Sunteti pregatiti sa deveniti parinti?Iata un test de "sarcina":
1. Pentru a va pregati sa deveniti mama, imbracati un halat de baie si fixati-va pe burta un sac plin cu fasole. Dupa 9 luni, scoateti doar 10% din continutul sacului!
2. Pentru a avea o idee despre cum va veti petrece serile, intre orele 17h si 22h parcurgeti in lung si in lat sufrageria purtand in brate un sac umed care cantareste intre 4 si 6 kg. La ora 22h lasati sacul, reglati desteptatorul la 00h00 si mergeti la culcare. La miezul noptii, treziti-va si parcurgeti din nou sufrageria purtand sacul timp de o ora. Reglati desteptatorul la ora 3h00. Imposibil sa mai adormiti, evident, asa ca treziti-va la ora 2h00 si serviti-va ceva de baut. Intoarcerea in pat la 2h45. Cand suna desteptatorul, un sfert de ora mai tarziu, trezirea! Cantati cantecele de leagan pana la ora 4h00. Reglati desteptatorul la 5h00. Treziti-va si preparati micul dejun. Mentineti acest ritm timp de 5 ani...fara sa va pierdeti buna dispozitie!
3. Goliti un pepene si practicati in mijloc o gaura de talia unei mingi de golf. Suspendati-l de tavan cu o sfoara si balansati-l de la stanga la dreapta. Dintr-o farfurie cu supa (foarte lichida) incercati sa hraniti "pepenele" (care e in miscare), jucandu-va de-a avionul cu o lingurita. Continuati exercitiul pana cand farfuria e pe jumatate golita, varsati restul... pe genunchii dvs...bravo! Acum stiti sa hraniti un bebelus!
4. Pentru a avea o idee despre ceea ce se va intampla cand va incepe sa mearga, etalati dulceata pe canapea si pe perdele, puneti un pic de peste congelat in spatele televizorului si lasati-l acolo timp de o luna sau doua...
5. Imbracatul celor mici nu e chiar o formalitate. Incepeti prin a cumpara o caracatita si o plasa pentru peste. Incercati sa introduceti caracatita in plasa. Timp prevazut: toata dimineata.
6. Nu sperati ca veti mai avea o masina curata si stralucitoare ca in ziua cand ati cumparat-o. Cumparati o inghetata de vanilie si uitati-o in cutia de pe bord. Introduceti o moneda in casetofon (CD player). Sfaramati un pachet de biscuti sau de ciocolata pe scaune. Bun.
Multa bafta!
* Daca de la inot se slabeste, unde gresesc balenele?
* Daca uleiul de porumb se face din proumb, cum este cu uleiul de corp?
* Daca lipiciul superglue lipeste intr-adevar orice, de ce nu si interiorul tubului?
* De ce nu suna ocupat cind gresim numarul?
* De ce iti trebuie programare la clarvazator?
* Daca azi sunt zero grade, si maine e de doua ori mai frig, cat de frig va fi maine?
* Primesti banii inapoi daca taxiul merge cu spatele?
* De ce morcovii sunt mai portocalii decat portocalele?
* De ce oamenii te cred pe cuvant cand le spui ca exista 400 milioane de stele pe cer, dar cand le spui ca aceasta banca a fost proaspat vopsita, cred ca glumesti?
* De ce sucul de lamaie este in mare parte din ingrediente sintetice, pe cind in solutia de spalat vase este zeama de lamaie adevarata?
* De ce Tarzan nu are barba?
* Oamenii casatoriti traiesc mai mult, sau doar li se pare?
* Cu ce viteza se deplaseaza intunericul?
* Cum se impacheteaza bilutele de polistiren cand vrei sa le trimiti pachet?
* Exista alt cuvant pentru cuvantul "sinonim"?
* De ce nu exista mancare pentru pisici cu gust de soareci?
* Cum ar arata scaunele, daca am avea genunchii la spate?
* De ce femeile nu merg niciodata singure la WC?
* Un termos vara pastreaza bautura rece, iarna calda. Dar, de unde stie termosul cand e vara si cand e iarna?
* Daca absolut nimic nu se prinde de teflon atunci cum ramane teflonul lipit de tigaie?
* De ce un magazin cu program non-stop are lacat la usi?
* De ce "prescurtare" e un cuvant atat de lung?
* De ce in Statele Unite, pentru injectia letala, se folosesc ace sterile?
* Eschimosii orbi au caini de sanie dresati pentru orbi?
* De ce in avioane se impart veste de inot, in loc de parasute?
* Un sofer care lucreaza pe masini de dezapezire, cum ajunge dimineata la servici ?
* Daca uleiul de porumb se face din proumb, cum este cu uleiul de corp?
* Daca lipiciul superglue lipeste intr-adevar orice, de ce nu si interiorul tubului?
* De ce nu suna ocupat cind gresim numarul?
* De ce iti trebuie programare la clarvazator?
* Daca azi sunt zero grade, si maine e de doua ori mai frig, cat de frig va fi maine?
* Primesti banii inapoi daca taxiul merge cu spatele?
* De ce morcovii sunt mai portocalii decat portocalele?
* De ce oamenii te cred pe cuvant cand le spui ca exista 400 milioane de stele pe cer, dar cand le spui ca aceasta banca a fost proaspat vopsita, cred ca glumesti?
* De ce sucul de lamaie este in mare parte din ingrediente sintetice, pe cind in solutia de spalat vase este zeama de lamaie adevarata?
* De ce Tarzan nu are barba?
* Oamenii casatoriti traiesc mai mult, sau doar li se pare?
* Cu ce viteza se deplaseaza intunericul?
* Cum se impacheteaza bilutele de polistiren cand vrei sa le trimiti pachet?
* Exista alt cuvant pentru cuvantul "sinonim"?
* De ce nu exista mancare pentru pisici cu gust de soareci?
* Cum ar arata scaunele, daca am avea genunchii la spate?
* De ce femeile nu merg niciodata singure la WC?
* Un termos vara pastreaza bautura rece, iarna calda. Dar, de unde stie termosul cand e vara si cand e iarna?
* Daca absolut nimic nu se prinde de teflon atunci cum ramane teflonul lipit de tigaie?
* De ce un magazin cu program non-stop are lacat la usi?
* De ce "prescurtare" e un cuvant atat de lung?
* De ce in Statele Unite, pentru injectia letala, se folosesc ace sterile?
* Eschimosii orbi au caini de sanie dresati pentru orbi?
* De ce in avioane se impart veste de inot, in loc de parasute?
* Un sofer care lucreaza pe masini de dezapezire, cum ajunge dimineata la servici ?
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
Everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
Seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
Was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
His mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
And said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny
Responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife .
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after
Hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the
Other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
Turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After
Explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
Thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
Teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
And Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small
Child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
va urma...
Everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
Seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
Was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
His mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
And said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny
Responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife .
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after
Hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the
Other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
Turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After
Explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
Thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
Teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
And Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small
Child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
va urma...
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it upjust like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer"
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it upjust like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer"
