Kids Say the Darndest Things [part 3]
A mother was away one weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the phone and ran outside screaming, "Dad! Dad! They've got mom!! And they want money!!!"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!."

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

On class photo day, after The children had all been photographed, the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
studii superioare
La oficiul pentru plasarea fortei de
munca vine intr-o zi un batranel.
- Domne, am un nepot in provincie si as
vrea sa-l aduc in Capitala. Ce locuri
de munca aveti?
- Pai, avem un post de vanzator de ziare,
castiga 6 milioane pe luna.
- Prea mult, zice mosul. El e din
provincie, vine aici in Bucuresti, da de
bani si se strica. Poate aveti ceva mai
- Vanzator in piata, 4 milioane pe luna,
plus ce mai pica.
- Tot e mult, zice mosul. O sa-i strice
cu femeile, taica. Ceva la un milion,
un milion jumate n-aveti?
- Ba da, dar pentru salariul asta
trebuie studii superioare. 
Kids Say the Darndest Things [part 2]
A physician and her 4 year old daughter were in the car on the way to preschool. The doctor/mother had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the mother, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

It was the end of the day when a K-9 officer parked his police van in front of the station. While he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner started barking at a little boy staring into the van. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked the officer. "It sure is," the officer replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the dog. Finally the boy said, "What'd he do?"

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Kids Say the Darndest Things [part 1]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little gir l raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus.

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Some Useful Condescending Phrases

  1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
  6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  12. No, my powers can only be used for good.
  13. How about never? Is never good for you?
  14. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  15. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
  16. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  18. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  19. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  20. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
  21. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
  22. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  23. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  24. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  25. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
În pădurea cu alune...
În pădurea cu alune, Aveau casă trei pitici. Vine pupăza şi spune: - Simptomatic, idiosincrazia dilematică îşi reverberează atenuant ecourile absconse protoarmonice din spatele semitranscendent şi disonant al obscurantismului incandescent de sorginte medievală, capsulând filonul crepuscular sincretic şi aluziv metempsihotic al transmigraţiei alchimice înspre circumvoluţiunile interioare ale epocii istorice care tind să formeze adevarate supape paleontologice înspre propensiunea paradigmelor de orientare paseistă"... Pupăza a fost ucisă cu bestialitate de cei trei pitici.
Etichete: , , 0 impresii | | edit post
Stories that can be told in church [2]
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
Whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed
In white?" "Because white is the color of happiness,
And today is the happiest day of her life." The
Child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was
Running as fast as she could, trying not to be late
For Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
Please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't
Let me be late!" While she was running and praying,
She tripped on a curb and fell -- getting her clothes
Dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
Herself off, and started running again. As she ran
She once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please
Don't let me be late . . . But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
Fathers The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few
Words on a piece of paper -- he calls it a poem; they
Give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
A few words on a piece of paper -- he calls it a song; they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
A few words on a piece of paper -- he calls it a sermon,
And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

...asa au disparut dinozaurii!
Intr-o seara (prima...) vine dinozaurul la dinozaurita:
El (facand cu ochiul): Ei, o facem?
Ea (uitandu-se-n podea): Mmm... nu!
A doua zi vine din nou dinozaurul la dinozaurita:
El (uitandu-se cu subinteles): Ei, cum e? Merge una mica?
Ea (privind la varful pantofului): Pai... mmm... nu!
A treia zi; vine dinozaurul la dinozaurita:
El (cu nerabdare): Pai cum?... nimic, nimic?
Ea (sagalnic): Nu, puisor... poate maine!
... si asa mai departe...
Capitalism and Cows
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM -- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION -- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION -- You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

ENRON CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

ARTHUR ANDERSON, LLC -- You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.
Clicky Web Analytics