* I feel so much better since I lost hope.

* It's people like you that make people like me take medicine.

* Alzheimer's. A disease that...where are my socks?

* Don't vote. It just encourages them.

* Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

* If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?

* Ask me about my vow of silence.

* If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.

* Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

* Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

* We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.

* A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.

* Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.

* Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

* I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.

* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* You are right where you belong. Behind me.

* Old age comes at a bad time.