* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

* Do unto others before they do unto you.

* Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

* Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.

* Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.

* I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
* If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.
* Was today really necessary?

* Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

* The more I learn, the less I understand.

* Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.
* There are two important things to remember about surrealism. Frogs, power tools, and the Lincoln Memorial.

* I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.
* Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
* Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.
* O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

* Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
* Better living through denial.

* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

* Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

* So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
* I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
* I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.